Dear Daughter…
The purpose of this letter is to share my hope that your marriage to my son will last for eternity. My motivation is that I do not want the two of you to experience the sorrow of divorce anymore than you have already with other family members and friends. Note that I did not wish the two of you one of the usual cliches like “…filled with happiness…” because that’s not real. There will be happiness, there will be sorrow; because that’s life and I’m sure that I’m not telling you something that you don’t already know.
By virtue of your and my son’s individual accomplishments, it’s readily apparent that you both are driven to succeed in anything you set your goals on. That takes strong will, dedication, perseverance – all good qualities. I have no doubt that whatever you two take on together – you will not only succeed, but conquer. Yet we all remain individuals that have been molded by our life experiences from childhood to the present, and we are constantly changing. Therefore it is only natural that two people will not be in 100% agreement on everything, but agreement is still necessary through compromise – without compromising your values. Mutual participation is also necessary. Abandoning a partner’s goal and telling them “it’s all yours” is not a relationship; compromise with resentment is a smoldering coal.
Before I offer any more “sage advice,” let me share my marital experiences with you. Undoubtedly other people have already shared their perspective with you on the very same subject, so I’m presenting another surface of the coin…the edge with no end. So here it goes…
His mother & I were married in a Catholic church even though I was not a believer in God in any way, shape, or form. The priest wasn’t too happy with that, but compromised when we both promised to raise our future kids Catholic. If anyone would have told me that I was destined for divorce back then, I would have told that person in no uncertain and very colorful terms – that they were wrong. I loved her, very much. I saw in her and in her family (mostly her mom and 3 brothers), a family life that I never had, nor knew existed. I’m not slamming my mom. She gave up pretty much everything to keep me, since I was born out of wedlock. It was the ‘big family’ aspect that appealed to me; wrestling around with her two younger brothers, trying to help her older brother with his truck, and doing things for her mom.
I was still in the navy when we got married and made two deployments (6-7 months each). I hated the deployments, and sadly coming back was difficult for both of us – trying to readjust at being a couple after months of separation. I was far from a saint when deployed, because I behaved just like I had before…the drunken lecherous sailor, because that’s what sailors do…that’s what ‘real men’ do. I was so wrong. Did I feel guilty? Yes, to a degree, but I was too easily swayed by my so called shipmates that what I was doing – was OK, no big deal.
Suffice to say my behavior didn’t change during the entire marriage. I was in a cycle. I’d straighten up and behave, then I’d wander again – all the time maintaining the facade of a happy marriage. The crazy thing about it is that I was still convinced that this was normal. That either every couple went through this or lied about it. I think we went through marriage counseling 3 or 4 times; band-aids for an ailing marriage. In retrospect I find it ironic that none of the counselors ever recognized what was going on; not even the slightest hint. I got to the point where I felt that I could not continue to put her through this cycle. Of course I felt I was being so noble – what a crock; I was being selfish. I wouldn’t attempt to discuss differences anymore, because that turned into argument – I cut the communication lines. Truth, honesty, transparency were long gone in the relationship; assuming there was much of it in the relationship in the first place.
My present wife and I met on-line. I wasn’t looking for a future wife and she wasn’t looking for a future husband. We both came from long term marriages that were crumbling. Fast forward through the divorce – sometimes I wish I could just forget it all, but that’s not real. I have to hold on to the pain and try to make some good out of it…that’s what I’m trying to do by sharing this.
Before getting married the 2nd time, she & I both vowed that it would be a new start, and that we would not repeat the mistakes from our first marriages. Moreover, we would guard against the circumstances that lead us to meet each other on-line. We would have truth, honesty, transparency, and open communication between us; how could two people in their 40’s be so naive. I still didn’t know what my real problem was, but “I thought I knew.” We got married at the county courthouse; just kept it simple.
We both had false ideals that we could become the ultimate blended family – which didn’t work as well as we hoped, but we tried. We were happy with each other; happy in our new relationship, until 12 years later and our relationship was splintered through its heart. She found emails that spoke of the sin (it took me a year to grasp that definition) that I had carried for 45 years (from the age of 15). She had every intent of divorcing me, no buts about it. I had violated the promise we had made to one another and had to pay the price.
So how is it that we are still married? That’s the point of this whole letter.
First a quick background on my wife, she had been raised in a Christian environment and had cycled through periods of dedicated belief to times of hurt and anger toward God. She was on her way to making spiritual things right when she made the life changing discovery of my email. Simply put, God told her to give me a second chance, and He had to repeat it a few times because she wasn’t in immediate agreement by any means.
While God was telling my wife what to do, He reached over and flicked a switch. Because ever since that day I have not pursued my sinful behavior and I think that’s when I also quit swearing (although I admit I have been slipping lately at work, and that will stop). I’ve heard that for most people that they have to hit rock bottom before they will cry out to God to save them. I indeed had hit rock bottom in my marriage, but I never reached out to God. I was so lost, and He found me.
Just like in my first marriage and starting marriage counseling, my company’s benefits section gave me 3 numbers to call and I called the first one on the list. I didn’t know at the time that it was ‘faith based counseling.’ Luckily the lady didn’t beat me over the head with a Bible, although I certainly deserved it; she was very ‘light’ in her references to religion. Her recommendation was for me to read the book “Every Man’s Battle,” which helped immensely. We also watched a sermon series from a SC church called “Better Together” which helped put things in perspective.
Four months later, I decided to try church for the first time since I was elementary age. The song “Good, Good Father” was played and I fell apart. I think that was another turning point for me in that I quit listening to secular music; now it’s Christian music only and I truly enjoy it (despite the DJ brother’s opinion – haha).
Neither one of us are, nor will we ever be – totally over the events that almost lead to divorce. What we have experienced and learned, we try to share with others in our local church to in attempt to help them get through similar circumstances. It took me a solid year of deliberation to rationalize how God is real and how my engineering analytical mindset can co-exist with Him. My foundation falls back to Him coming to me even after I repeatedly turned my back on Him for years.
So all along what was missing from the first marriage and what carried over into the second was the lack of God. Truth, honesty, transparency, and open communication are important, but they are far from being enough.
I’m by no means implying that either of you are carrying some deep dark secret like what burdened me for years. What I am witnessing, is what a powerful difference God can make in your lives, and you really don’t have to change too much. Christianity doesn’t mean life is no longer fun; it means life is fuller and just as fun.
If you put God as #1, everything else falls into place. So for the two of you, that’s what I pray for. If you both put God as #1 that’s your compass, that is what will keep you aligned. Not saying that God makes everything easy; belief in Him gives everything purpose.
babychristian55 