Category: Windmill Tilting

Ever had the fun of looking for you car keys and they were in your ‘other’ hand?  How about the classic – looking for your glasses – and you’re wearing them?  Some of us have developed the coping skill at laughing at ourselves in those situations; provided we didn’t go into “ice cube” mode and have an anger meltdown prior to finding the lost item.  As we get older, it’s too easy to let our thoughts stray to just that…we’re getting old…we’re losing our marbles.  Well, maybe we are and maybe we aren’t; but it just seems that it is ridiculously easy to let a seemingly small matter grow out of proportion.

Yet the flip-side of this, is that…just maybe…there is something to it, but we’re so busy with the rest of life that we just blow it off.  You can slap the old “been there, done that, got the hat and t-shirt” cliche on it and just go merrily down our laser focused mindless path.

I have to admit, I am in definite babble mode today; playing mental “whack-a-mole: the rabbit hole edition”, but I’m reeling from my reaction to the sermon I just saw on-line (Southeastern Church – Kyle Idleman).  His emphasis today was how Jesus got thousands of gentiles to praise the God of Israel (psst – gentiles hated Jews & vice versa), just by loving the gentiles on a one-to-one basis; mostly by healing their ills.  No sermon or scripture; just loving them.

As pastor Idleman wrapped up his sermon, he shared something that had happened at a satellite campus regarding “human trafficking.”  What was shared from that campus, was an email exchange between a woman (age was’t specified) and someone at the church who is part of their ministry to help those women cope, hopefully escape their bondage, and most assuredly come to know that Jesus loves them.

Begrudgingly I have to admit that as the email exchange started, I thought it was kind of lame. The church writer was offering Christian platitudes, but how was this supposed to help the woman?  Yet in her responses – she was getting it – and wanted to know more.  Her biggest fear was not knowing where she’d be next.  Guess that’s where the term “trafficking” comes in since the women (and I guess men too) are routinely moved from site to site and she was concerned that she’d be sent to Atlanta next (for the super bowl).

That’s when it hit me.  That’s when I noticed that what has been under my nose for so long; for what I considered a “so what” kind of thing; HIT ME.  And it hurt because it opened up the memory box of all what I always referred to as hookers or whores were really women.  Women that undoubtedly did not follow the ship that I was on (back in navy days) from port to port.  They were women that were forced to.  Women that were forced to wear seductive clothing, pretend to be who they hated, pretend to enjoy what they do – the so-called “world’s oldest profession.”

I cried.  Deep sobbing tears.  Remorse.  Guilt.  Shame.  And that was before Mr. Idleman summed up the story that the woman tried to get away from Atlanta and lost her life in the process.

A couple of days ago, I stopped at a local florist shop to pick up some posies for my wife.  The first thing I saw when I opened the door was a woman on her hands-n-knees with her tail-end facing the door.  It was the typical “plumber’s crack view,” with a hint of feminine lace fringe.  Luckily my ninja training kicked in and my eyes went into “bounce mode” while I went away from the sight and up to the counter.  Of course, she was also the employee working the counter and asked if she could help me.  I said I had called earlier about their special and she dutifully got up to take my order; and of course, she was sporting a different version of plumber’s crack on her chest – time to bounce again – but not too far in order to avoid being rude (had to focus on her forehead).

In my BC (before Christ) years, I would have hesitated at the door and my eyes would have gone into “video capture mode” and all images downloaded into the mental rolodex for later ‘scrutiny’.  More images would have been stored from the frontal shots, but my vice of choice back in those days would have been the south end.  Thank God, and I mean literally – thank God – that has all changed.

Matthew 5:27-28 (NIV) – “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So…I can’t help wondering why so many women dress provocatively and where do most men “fall” between the extremes of deliberate lust and recovering porn addicts when they look at the fairer sex?

Certainly the lady at the florist shop was not selling her “virtues” that were on display, and I was certainly not attempting to buy them either (nor was I shopping).  However, I don’t know how many times I have watched other men twist their heads like owls in order to feast their eyes on a woman (or young girl) that was showing an abundance of skin.  Unfortunately, the parade of butt cheeks and mammary glands is abundant: shopping malls, the workplace, receptionist at professional offices, and yes…Walmart.

I’ve skimmed articles from feminists that proclaim that their body is “their body!” and they can proclaim their female gender any way they please to.  Unless we want to enter the realm of transgender, I think biology has taken care of the issue of identifying the opposite sex pretty well and uncovering really suits no purpose – or does it?

From my limited perspective, when women wear a short skirt, low cut blouse, thong on the beach, etc., they’re fishing, some desperately.  Ladies…if that’s what you’re doing, please consider what kind of fish you’re going to catch; i.e., the big googly eyed ones that will not stop looking even after they’re supposedly trapped in your aquarium of (sometimes) wedded bliss.  “Sometimes” is in parentheses since living together is so accepted now.

While my wife & I were in the initial throes of my recovery from porn (etc), we learned that men are visual (gee – no kidding) and that they get their intimacy through sex; whereas women were more relational and their intimacy was the post climax cuddle, or better yet – the casual foreplay of being loved throughout the day.  However, when sex  occurs out of marriage it’s like your favorite potato chip – bet you can’t eat just one!  You eat the one (maybe two) and still find yourself empty…still wanting more because there is just something missing.  Frequent sexual partners, frequent masturbation is just a potato chip.  You need the full meal deal of marriage, and commitment to your significant other to fully realize what God wanted for us.

Porn gradually changed how I viewed women; from being a person to becoming an object.  After viewing the hundreds of pictures available for free on the internet it becomes similar to looking at the a diagram for cuts of meat:

Which morphs into something disgusting, like this:

 

Sure, you can rationalize the damage is already done, the camera shutter has closed and the pictures have been uploaded; the women are probably 20 years older now and have their doctorates in psychology because posing for pictures was the only way to work through college.

When I quit looking at porn I gradually ceased looking at women as objects – including my wife.  My relationship with her now is the best that I have ever had.  It is what God intended in the first place and I’m so fortunate and thankful.

Ladies & gents, that is what I wish for you too.  Respect each other. Love each other for who they are, not what they think they need to be (to capture your eye).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sure at some point in our lives that we’ve witnessed some kind of nature show that let’s us see all the crazy things that go on in the animal kingdom when romance is in the air.  Typically it seems that the males are the “pretty boys;” especially when it comes to birds, however mandrill baboons are fairly sporty looking too.

Jump up to the higher mammals and it seems that the roles reverse in that human females invest a lot of effort into looking desirable and available.  Although I have seen some males that …well…never mind.  My first wife was into the eye shadow, base, blush, etc. and she didn’t over do it – which was good.  I had seen plenty of “painted ladies of the night” while in the service overseas.  My wife “until death do us part” has never indulged in make up, or what I used to refer to as “war paint.” I think the key thing for women is to remember that you can’t wear that stuff 24/7.  You actually have to wash and sleep sometime; then guess what?  The man in your life will see you as you are, and that should be all that matters in the first place.

 

 

 

Dear Daughter…

The purpose of this letter is to share my hope that your marriage to my son will last for eternity.  My motivation is that I do not want the two of you to experience the sorrow of divorce anymore than you have already with other family members and friends.  Note that I did not wish the two of you one of the usual cliches like “…filled with happiness…” because that’s not real. There will be happiness, there will be sorrow; because that’s life and I’m sure that I’m not telling you something that you don’t already know.

By virtue of your and my son’s individual accomplishments, it’s readily apparent that you both are driven to succeed in anything you set your goals on.  That takes strong will, dedication, perseverance – all good qualities.  I have no doubt that whatever you two take on together – you will not only succeed, but conquer.  Yet we all remain individuals that have been molded by our life experiences from childhood to the present, and we are constantly changing.  Therefore it is only natural that two people will not be in 100% agreement on everything, but agreement is still necessary through compromise – without compromising your values.  Mutual participation is also necessary.  Abandoning a partner’s goal and telling them “it’s all yours” is not a relationship; compromise with resentment is a smoldering coal.

Before I offer any more “sage advice,” let me share my marital experiences with you.  Undoubtedly other people have already shared their perspective with you on the very same subject, so I’m presenting another surface of the coin…the edge with no end.  So here it goes…

His mother & I were married in a Catholic church even though I was not a believer in God in any way, shape, or form.  The priest wasn’t too happy with that, but compromised when we both promised to raise our future kids Catholic.  If anyone would have told me that I was destined for divorce back then, I would have told that person in no uncertain and very colorful terms – that they were wrong.  I loved her, very much.  I saw in her and in her family (mostly her mom and 3 brothers), a family life that I never had, nor knew existed.  I’m not slamming my mom.  She gave up pretty much everything to keep me, since I was born out of wedlock.  It was the ‘big family’ aspect that appealed to me; wrestling around with her two younger brothers, trying to help her older brother with his truck, and doing things for her mom.

I was still in the navy when we got married and made two deployments (6-7 months each).  I hated the deployments, and sadly coming back was difficult for both of us – trying to readjust at being a couple after months of separation.  I was far from a saint when deployed, because I behaved just like I had before…the drunken lecherous sailor, because that’s what sailors do…that’s what ‘real men’ do.  I was so wrong.  Did I feel guilty?  Yes, to a degree, but I was too easily swayed by my so called shipmates that what I was doing – was OK, no big deal.

Suffice to say my behavior didn’t change during the entire marriage.  I was in a cycle.  I’d straighten up and behave, then I’d wander again – all the time maintaining the facade of a happy marriage.  The crazy thing about it is that I was still convinced that this was normal.  That either every couple went through this or lied about it.  I think we went through marriage counseling 3 or 4 times; band-aids for an ailing marriage.  In retrospect I find it ironic that none of the counselors ever recognized what was going on; not even the slightest hint.  I got to the point where I felt that I could not continue to put her through this cycle.  Of course I felt I was being so noble – what a crock; I was being selfish.  I wouldn’t attempt to discuss differences anymore, because that turned into argument – I cut the communication lines.  Truth, honesty, transparency were long gone in the relationship; assuming there was much of it in the relationship in the first place.

My present wife and I met on-line.  I wasn’t looking for a future wife and she wasn’t looking for a future husband.  We both came from long term marriages that were crumbling.  Fast forward through the divorce – sometimes I wish I could just forget it all, but that’s not real.  I have to hold on to the pain and try to make some good out of it…that’s what I’m trying to do by sharing this.

Before getting married the 2nd time, she & I both vowed that it would be a new start, and that we would not repeat the mistakes from our first marriages.  Moreover, we would guard against the circumstances that lead us to meet each other on-line.  We would have truth, honesty, transparency, and open communication between us; how could two people in their 40’s be so naive.  I still didn’t know what my real problem was, but “I thought I knew.”  We got married at the county courthouse; just kept it simple.

We both had false ideals that we could become the ultimate blended family – which didn’t work as well as we hoped, but we tried.  We were happy with each other; happy in our new relationship, until 12 years later and our relationship was splintered through its heart. She found emails that spoke of the sin (it took me a year to grasp that definition) that I had carried for 45 years (from the age of 15).  She had every intent of divorcing me, no buts about it.  I had violated the promise we had made to one another and had to pay the price.

So how is it that we are still married?  That’s the point of this whole letter.

First a quick background on my wife, she had been raised in a Christian environment and had cycled through periods of dedicated belief to times of hurt and anger toward God.  She was on her way to making spiritual things right when she made the life changing discovery of my email.  Simply put, God told her to give me a second chance, and He had to repeat it a few times because she wasn’t in immediate agreement by any means.

While God was telling my wife what to do, He reached over and flicked a switch. Because ever since that day I have not pursued my sinful behavior and I think that’s when I also quit swearing (although I admit I have been slipping lately at work, and that will stop).  I’ve heard that for most people that they have to hit rock bottom before they will cry out to God to save them.  I indeed had hit rock bottom in my marriage, but I never reached out to God.  I was so lost, and He found me.

Just like in my first marriage and starting marriage counseling, my company’s benefits section gave me 3 numbers to call and I called the first one on the list.  I didn’t know at the time that it was ‘faith based counseling.’  Luckily the lady didn’t beat me over the head with a Bible, although I certainly deserved it; she was very ‘light’ in her references to religion.  Her recommendation was for me to read the book “Every Man’s Battle,” which helped immensely.  We also watched a sermon series from a SC church called “Better Together” which helped put things in perspective.

Four months later, I decided to try church for the first time since I was elementary age.  The song “Good, Good Father” was played and I fell apart.   I think that was another turning point for me in that I quit listening to secular music; now it’s Christian music only and I truly enjoy it (despite the DJ brother’s opinion – haha).

Neither one of us are, nor will we ever be – totally over the events that almost lead to divorce.  What we have experienced and learned, we try to share with others in our local church to in attempt to help them get through similar circumstances.  It took me a solid year of deliberation to rationalize how God is real and how my engineering analytical mindset can co-exist with Him.  My foundation falls back to Him coming to me even after I repeatedly turned my back on Him for years.

So all along what was missing from the first marriage and what carried over into the second was the lack of God. Truth, honesty, transparency, and open communication are important, but they are far from being enough.

I’m by no means implying that either of you are carrying some deep dark secret like what burdened me for years.  What I am witnessing, is what a powerful difference God can make in your lives, and you really don’t have to change too much.  Christianity doesn’t mean life is no longer fun; it means life is fuller and just as fun.

If you put God as #1, everything else falls into place.  So for the two of you, that’s what I pray for.  If you both put God as #1 that’s your compass, that is what will keep you aligned.  Not saying that God makes everything easy; belief in Him gives everything purpose.

Every once in awhile you’ll see someone on TV or in a movie that does something crazy with dominoes that far exceeded what you may have done with a set when you were a kid.  You know….stack them single file and when you’re done – just give the lead one a nudge and the chain reaction is put in motion, aka ‘the domino effect.’

Now consider the notion that pot/marijuana/weed/etc. is considered the ‘gateway drug’ to other hallucinogens.  Which some people believe (mostly non-potheads) and some do not (potheads).  A form of drug dominoes, if you will.

This book “Sex for One” came up on my suggested reading list a while back, and my first inclination was to write a review on it.  The review would have been 1 out of 5 stars and I would have slammed it for the author’s recommendation that masturbation is natural, acceptable, and a preferred method of dealing with sexual frustration.  I did not write the review – yet.  In fairness, I felt that I should read the book first, then write my opinion.  However, a quick glance through the table of contents seems to indicate that it’d be a good book for a married couple to explore – together, but that’s about the extent.

So back to dominoes; masturbation is the gateway drug to porn – just like the Bible has all of those crazy ‘begats.’  Sex drive begat masturbation begat porn begat flirtation begat infidelity begat adultery.  I’m sure there’s a multitude of other begats that could be stuck in between, but you get the idea.

Where’s the source?  The devil of course.  Like any or all sin, it starts with a nudge from Satan.  Laying in bed and you get random ‘wood;’ “just a little extra rub with that scratch, it won’t hurt anything…” says our non-friend.  Then your imagination kicks in to help you along, to get to the big finish of it all.  But after awhile the imagination needs some help, so our buddy tells us a little porn is OK; it’s like you’re not hurting the women in them – pictures have already been taken, etc.  The various rationales just keep tumbling down.  And you buy it.  Cause it’s just you and the one eyed helmet headed soldier of doom – no one else; oh, except for the portfolio of butt shots or  boob shots or crotch shots of countless women hidden on an app on your phone that looks like a calculator.  Gee, if its ‘nothing,’ then why is it hidden on your phone?  Speaking of the various ‘shots;’ did you notice that we now have categories?  We have ‘object files,’ we’ve succeeded in objectifying those women into nothing but body parts.

So now you’re the ‘Terminator,’ no matter where you are – you are scanning for targets and their soft vulnerable parts; classifying if ‘you would or would not.’  After sometime the mind becomes bored of that game; you might not even need Satan’s help this time to up the ante further.  Hmm…remember some of those other apps that seemed to have ‘interesting potential’?  Why not? Why not just try them out for a little interesting discourse just to rev your engine up; and it does.  Texting leads to a phone call; the phone call leads to teasing remarks about actually meeting.  Where does it stop?

More importantly, how does it leave you feeling after you’ve thrown that wad of saturated Kleenex away?  Empty?  Unfulfilled?  Guilty?  Yep.

Just as empty as you felt the first time you took matters into hand after the devil gave you a little prod and told you…don’t worry, it’s just you and you’re not hurting anyone else.

Oh…in case you were wondering, where this all left me was at the edge of teasing remarks and the interaction dwindling to nothing. Until my wife found emails that I hadn’t deleted and divorce was a popular topic and I was deep in despair; meanwhile I’m sure the devil was having a ball until my wife’s faith in God saved our relationship. It took me a year to figure out that God found me and fixed me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

So the moral of the story my friend, is to just say no to dominoes.

Mr. Steven Furtick (of Elevation Church) had a sermon quite awhile back in which he was sharing his perspective on the symbology of Christ’s spread hands (while being crucified) and how that relates to Jesus embracing us.  It’s like the old cliche of “getting your arms around something” or the beginnings of a huge hug from someone that loves you dearly.  As Steve (I’ve never met the man, but I feel I can call him by his first name) continued to speak, he also reminded the church about “looking up.”  Looking up to see Christ on the cross, or looking up higher to “see” God in Heaven.  Very much like when you were a young child and looked up to your dad – if you had one, or mom -if you had one of those, or to use the more unfortunate term used in public school now days – your caregiver.

So… you got the picture, right?  There are people around you that are in need of love, and that can share that love.  Just like Jesus has told us to do – love your neighbor.  And if you’re not sure you’re getting right, you can always look up to Him and check-in.

So who is that in your hand?  It’s your damn cell phone!  Satan is alive and well in that small sexy piece of plastic, metal and other electronic wizardry.  He always has us looking down, looking for answers to questions that we really need not care about.  Go to a restaurant and I’ll guarantee you’ll see cell phones everywhere; couples ignoring each other during a time which was time honored as family time – the meal together.  To not leave the kids out, let’s give them a phone too.  I read part of a book (it got redundant after awhile) about how kids don’t know how to relate to each other because their social skills have been replaced with their social media skills.

For the longest time, I have had issues believing that the devil really exists, but not anymore; otherwise, how could people purposefully do such horrible stuff to one another?

My wife & I are in a “small group” called the Empty Nesters, one of the gents brought something up last week that is just so fitting.  Remember Adam & Eve?  Remember the first sin?  The ‘good ole’ devil was there playing snake boy and talked Eve into a bite of the Apple.  Now…just think, what do most of us hold in our hand that has the epitome of sin as its trademark?

So…we spend too, too much time looking down at the devil.  Looking for love, sex, adultery (see Levi Lusko’s book titled “Swipe Right”), and God doesn’t really want to know what else.  But he does know.  Can you imagine?  Knowing your “grown-up” kids are surfing porn, but you have to let them sort it out themselves, or depend on someone to help them.

And yes, I do own a damn cell phone – but it is an Android.

Keep looking up!